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The Merry Widow Hat 

A Farce in One Act 

For Female Characters Only 



By 
HELEN SHERMAN GRIFFITH 

Author of "vf Man's Voice,'' ''The Wrong Package^' 
''The Scarlet Bonnet ," ''The Wrong Miss Mather^' 
"Maid to Order," "The Dumb Waiter^' 
"A Large Order,'' "A Psychological Mo- 
ment^' etc. 



' BOSTON 
WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
1910 



The Merry Widow Hat 



CHARACTERS 



Mrs. Julia Sims, school principal. 

Mabel Garth | {) i)'l 

Ethel Noble )^ P P 

Nancy Noble, a country cousin. 

Mary Ann Nickerson, a country girl looking for a place. 

Costumes : — Modern. 




Copyright, 1909, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 



©CID 17G83 



The Merry Widow Hat 



SCENE. — The ivaitiiig-room of a railway station. Benches 
in double rows. Large maps and time-tables hung on the 
walls. Booths at one side labeled '* Tickets,'' "■Pullman 
tickets,'' " Telegraph station,'' *' Telephone," etc. On L. 
side, exit to trains ; on r., exit to *' Women's Waiting- 
room," and back, exit to street. Have some one behind 
scenes call trains nozu and then, and as many supernumer- 
aries as possible to move in and out as travelers. 

Enter Mabel Garth and Ethel Noble, back, dressed as 
schoolgirls and wearing the broad sailor hats once in 
vogue, known as ' ' Meriy Widoivs. ' ' They look about 
them apprehensively as if afraid of being seen. 

Mab. (anxiously). Oh, Elhel, do you ihink we are quite 
safe? 

Eth. {coolly). Not a bit. We may be discovered any 
moment. That is part of the excitement. 

Mab. Oh, why couldn't you have told Mrs. Sims the truth, 
instead of inventing an imaginary trip to the dentist? 

Eth. My trip to the dentist is far from imaginary. I have 
to go there before we go back to scliool and let him \)vohQ 
about where that filling came out, to tell me how long 1 dare 
put off my next appointment. And you know perfectly well 
why I could not tell Mrs. Sims the truth. If I had said that a 
country cousin was passing through town with an hour or two 
to wait, she would have let me come down to meet her, no 
doubl, but she would have sent a teacher with us and we should 
have sat primly on one of these benches (pointing to thon) talk- 
ing about the weather and praising our noble preceptors ! 
What I propose is to give my young cousin a rousing, jolly 
hour. 

Mab. Is she nice ? 

Eth. I've never met her. As she comes from the country 

3 



4 THE MERRY WIDOW HAT 

she is no doubt raw-boned, queerly dressed and green as grass. 
It will be such fun to take her out to see the sights. And we'll 
have a feast, too. 1 have my whole week's allowance here. 

{Pats shopping bag.^ 

Mab. But if you have never seen her, how will you recog- 
nize her ? 

Eth. Oh, guesswork. Not many people will get off the 
train from such a small town as Spring Village, and then she'll 
be on the lookout for me, too. 1 told her she would know me 
by my ** merry widow." {She straightens her hat.) 

Mab. {straightening her hat). But nearly everybody wears 
a "merry widow " nowadays. 

Eth. {carelessly). Oh, well, we'll surely find her. {Looks 
at her watch.) The train isn't due for several minutes. Come 
on, let's run across to the drug store and get an ice-cream soda. 
I'll buy some chocolate fudge, too. 

{She moves toivard door, back.) 

Mab. {following). Oh, dear, I feel it in my bones that we 
are going to be caught ! \_Exeunt Mab. and Eth., back. 

Enter Mary Ann Nickerson, l. side, from train shed, carry- 
ing cheap suit case marked ^' N. N.'' She pauses c. and 
looks around, somewhat bewildered. 

Mary. Dear, dear, what is a body expected to do? Where 
shall I go? {She reads the signs over doors.) Telegrams, 
telephones. Lawsy me, I only wish I knew somebody to tele- 
phone to ! (She sits on front bench and makes believe tele- 
phone, in drawling, affected voice.) Hello, hello, central. Give 
me 1909-A. Right. Hello, is this Mr. Moneybags' house? 
Well, 1 just wanted to let you know I am in town. Please 
send down the sixty horse-power auto — the green one with red 
cushions — and give me a ride to do the town. I'm waiting 
right here. An' you can call for my trunks later. Only three. 
Good-bye. {To audience ; rising.) That's the way ma's sum- 
mer boarders talk. Oh, 1 may be from the country but 1 know 
a thing or two. I don't think it's ghosts when a phonograph 
goes offi" or ask what's become of the horses when I see an 
automobile coming. But what'll I do now? I declare, I'm 
plum beat out, what with argufying with pa to let me come to 
the city to get a place, and workin' over- time with ma to keep 



THE MERRY WIDOW HAT r 

her amiable. {Reads signs again.') ''Women's Waiting-room.'* 
Hum, I should say that was the place for me. I'm a woman 
and I know how to wait at table, thanks to the summer board- 
ers. Guess I'll apply for the position. 

\^Exit Mary, r. side, carrying suit case. 

Enter Mrs. Julia Sims, back. She is dressed in black and 
wears a luidow' s veil. She carries an open note in her 
hand. 

Mrs. S. {consulting fiote). How very thoughtful of Mrs. 
Marmon. She writes that the daughter of the woman she 
boarded with last summer is coming to town to-day to look for 
work and thinks she might suit me at the school. {Reads.) 
"Mary Ann is a quiet, industrious, hard-working girl. In- 
deed, she is treated as a mere drudge at home and 1 am sure 
could not complain of too hard work in any household. I 
don't know how to tell you how to reach her except that I 
understood she is to apply at several Intelligence Offices. Her 
name is Mary Ann Nickers'on, and it might be worth your 
while to look her up at one of them. I am sorry to be so vague 
in my information, but only just heard about her plans and 

as she is to go on the loth " {Speaks.) The loth, that's 

to-day. {Reads.) *' I had not time to write to Mary Ann, or- 
I should have given her your address and sent her direct to 
you." {Speaks, folding letter.) As Mary Ann could not be 
sent to me, I have come to seek Mary Ann. {Looks at ivatch.) 
Biess me, the train is past due ! I wonder why the people are 
not coming off? I suppose there are very few passengers on 
this h'ttle branch railroad. Or maybe the train is late. I shall 
ask- \_Exit Mrs. S., door l. Slight pause. 

Enter Nancy Noble, door l. She is quietly and simply but 
very becomingly dressed and carries small satchel. 

Nan. {looking around in some perplexity). It is odd that 
Ethel is not here to meet me. She wrote that she surely would 
be here and I have been waiting on the platform all this time. 
{Scrutinizes supernumeraries seated on different benches or 
movinir in and out.) Ethel wrote me that I siiouid know her 
by the merry widow. I suppose that was her funny way of 
describing her chaperon. But I don't see any one who looks 
like a. wirlow, either merry or sad. I suppose I shall just have 
to wait for my train by myself. 



6 THE MERRY WIDOW HAT 

{She seats herself in a corner of front bench ^ takes book 
from bag and reads.) 

Enter Mrs. S., l. 

Mrs. S. I was too late after all. The gateraan tells me the 
train has been in some time. Well, I shall liave to make a 
round of the Intelligence Offices. Let me see which one is 
the nearest. 

(Mrs. S. seats herself on other end of front bench, takes a 
tnemorajidum book out of her shopping bag and bends over 
it, frowning and studying its pages.) 

Nan. {aside, looking up fro7n her book). Why, there is a 
widow — not very "merry" from appearances, but perhaps she 
is anxious at having missed me. 1 wonder where Elhel is? 

Mrs. S. {consultifig book). Mrs. Smitli's office is the best 
known. No doubt she will go there first. I'll try it, at any 
raie. 

(Mrs. S. puts note-book back in shopping bag and rises.) 

Nan. {shyly, closing book and approaching Mrs. S.). I beg 
pardon, but were you looking for me? 

Mrs. S. {surveying her with surprise). Are you the girl 
fiom Spring Village ? {Aside.) It is she I passed on the plat- 
form just now, but I never should have taken her for a maid 
looking for work. 

Nan, {simply). Yes, I am from Spring Village. The train 
got in about ten minutes' ago. 1 had expected my cousin to 
meet me. 

Mrs. S. (aside). I did not know she had relatives in town. 
I hope they won't begin putting notions into her head about 
higher wages and less work. {Aloud.) Indeed? 

Nan. {aside). How coldly she speaks. I wonder if Ethel 
is being punished for some mischief by being forbidden to 
come. {Aloud.) But I was told to be on the lookout for a 
mer — ^^for some one dressed in black, ma'am, I'he letter 
said 

Mrs. S, {in a relieved tone). Oh, you got a letter after all? 
Then it is all right. {Aside.) How kind of Mrs, Marmon to 
have written on the chance of catching her. She has a nice 
face and neat appearance. ( To Nan.) Come this way, please. 

{Moves toward door, back.') 



THE MERRY WIDOW HAT 7 

Nan. {surprised^. Are you going lo take me to the 
school ? 

Mrs. S. {i?i businesslike tones'). Yes, at once. Unless 
there is something you must attend to first. 

(They talk aside, Mrs. S. with her back to rear entrances- 
standing between Nan. and door.) 

Enter Mab. and Eth, back, carrying large candy box and 
other packages. lliey stop short, clutch each other, and 
gasp as they catch sight of Mrs. S. 

Mab. (groaning, aside to Eth.). We are discovered ! She 
has come after us ! 

Eth. (impatiently, aside to Mab.). No, she hasn't. She 
hasn't even seen us. She is talking to some one. We must 
fly, Mabel ! 

Mab. {aside to Eth.). Let's make a thirty-yard dash back 
to the drug store. (Turns toivard door.) 

Eth. Yes, let's. We can watch from there and see when 
she goes. 

(Exeunt Mab. and Eth., carrying packages, on tiptoe, back.) 

Mrs. S. (to Nan.). Very well, we will go directly to the 
school. I have a cab waiting outside. This way, please. 

(Exit Mrs. S. back, followed by Nan., carrying her bag.^ 
Enter Mary, r., carrying her suit case. 

Mary. Well, the city is a queerer place than I thought it 
would be ! I asked a woman in there if she wanted to engage 
a waitress — she had on an apron so 1 supposed she wys head 
waitress or something — an' she just stared at me. **This ain't 
the restaurant," she ses real sharp like. ''You take the ele- 
vator up to the next floor for that." Just then a young lady 
with a torn skirt braid comes up and asks for a needle an' thread, 
an' I couldn't get another word out of either of them. I guess 
I'll rest me a bit and then ask advice of a policeman how to 
find one of them Intelligence Offices the boarders are always 
talking about. 

(She wanders about room, glances at supernumeraries, smiles 
at one or two in a friendly way, but they stare at her 
coldly or 7nove away. She turns to the luall and reads 
large tinie-table.) 



8 THE MERRY WIDOW HAT 

E7iter Mab. and Eth., backy still carrying parcels. They 
peer about cautiously. 

Eth. {catching sight of Mary reading time- table). There 
she is ! 

Mab. {stifling a screajn). Where? Oh, where? Oh, we 
shall be expelled for this ! 

{Supers on benches turji and stare, curiously.) 

Eth. Shsh ! Be quiet ! You are making people look at 
us ! I don't mean Mrs. Sims, stupid, I mean Nancy. 

Mab. (/// great relief). Oh ! Well, why didn't yoa say 
so? You gave me an awful scare. Which is she? 

{She looks at people on benches.) 

Eth. {pointing to Mary). There she is, reading the time- 
table. {Sighs.) That must be she ! 

Mab. Oh, Ethel ! 

Eth. {dryly). It's something of a blow, isn't it? 

Mab. {surveying the unconscious Mary). She is countri- 
fied, there's no doubt about that. 

Eth. {with dignity). What can you expect when one has 
lived in a small country village «// one's life? 

Mab. {watching Mary). Ethel, are you sure it is she? 
Isn't there some mistake? 

Eth. {sadly, shaking her head). There can't be. Don't 
you see that she is carrying a bag marked '*N. N., Spring 
Village"? 

Mab. {regretfully). I'm afraid you're right. ''Nancy No- 
ble, Spring Village." Yes, there can't be any doubt. Aren't 
you going to speak to her? 

Eth. {sadly). I suppose I shall have to. What shall I 
say? 

Mab. Ask her — ah — hum — ask her if she is going to stay 
very long? 

Eth. {crossly). But I know she's not. She's just passing 
through. {Sighs.) I'll just have to talk and act as if every- 
thing were all right. Come on, Mabel, help me through with 
it. {They advance front, carrying parcels. 'Eth., with great 
war77ith of 7na7iner, holds out her hand.) How do you do ? I 
am sorry we are late. 

Mab. {heartily). W^e were on time, but had to dodge Mrs. 
Sims. 



THE MERRY WIDOW HAT 



Mary {in great surprise). But 



Eth. Mrs. Sims is our principal, you know. I thought it 
would be more of a lark if we came by ourselves. 

Mary {in greater bewilderinenf). But 

Mab. Your mother wrote Ethel that she hoped she would 
do something for you here in town, and we thought we'd give 
you a real good time. 

Mary {aside, in relieved voice). Oh, ma wrote, did she? 
Well, then, I guess likely they're the daughters of some of the 
summer boarders. It is real sweet of them to come. Mebbe 
they can tell me about finding a place. 

Eth. {looking around). Here is an empty bench. Let's 
sit down and have something to eat. Aren't you hungry, 
Nancy? 

{They seat the7ns elves in a row on front bench.) 

Mab. I know I'm hungry — nearly starved ! But a boaro- 
ing-school girl nearly always is — for good things. Were you 
ever at boarding-school, Nancy? You don't mind my calling 
you Nancy, do you ? Ethel and I are such chums. 

Mary {giggling). It's ma's name, but I don't mind. It 
makes a real nice pet name, don't it? 

Eth. {surprised, aside to Mab.). I did not know that Aunt 
Anne was ever called Nancy. {They settle themselves on bench 
and proceed to open the packages. Mary is still surprised and 
puzzled, but is prepared to have a good time. Eth. grows more 
surprised and almost indignajit as Mary's manners beco?ne 
more free and easy. Mab. is amused and inclined to draw 
Mary out. Eth. politely opens package.) We thought possi- 
bly you might be really hungry after your journey, so we bought 
some sandwiches to begin with. {She passes package and all 
three take sandivich. Mary bites into hers tvith relish and 
then stops, making a wry face. Eth. eats sandwich.) ^^'hy, 
Nancy, what is the matter? 

Mary {gesticulating wildly). Don't eat it, oh, don't 1 It's 
poisoned ! 

Mab. {tasting her sandwich). Poisoned ! Why, it tastes 
all right; and we bought them at a perfectly reliable place. 

Mary {making wry face). Taste all right ? Ugh! {Shud- 
ders; then opens her sandwich and examines contents.) Why, 
what in the world is it? 

(Eth. and Mab. giggle.) 



10 THE MERRY WIDOW HAT 

Eth. Why, it's caviar, Nancy. 

Mary. Caviar? Cavy-r. (Shakes her head.) I never 
lieard of it. (She takes a morsel of the caviar on her finger- tip 
and tastes it gingerly.) Hum! (Makes grimace.) 1 guess 1 
know what it is; it's sardine eggs put up in bad oil. I should 
think the pure food people would get after the people as puts 
them up. (Confidentially.') They are awfully particular, you 
know, those pure food people. Ma used a certain kind of 
canned peas all one summer; they were mighty cheap, and fine 
for the money. Why, you could hardly tell 'em from fresh 
peas. Several people told ma so. But the next summer, when 
ma went to buy some more they said at the store that they 
couldn't sell 'em any longer; the pure food people had been 
around. An' some California cherries that ma 

Eth. (hastily). Here are some fresh cherries. Perhaps you 
will like some of these ? 

(Or candied cherries if fresh fruit is not in season.) 

Mab. (giggling and off eri]ig another box). Or maybe you'd 
prefer a peppermint, to take the taste out? 

Mary (smacking her lips). Seems as if I do still taste that 
bad oil. 

(Takes peppermint and eats it, first taking a cautious bite.) 

Eth. (prying cork out of olive bottle with a hat- pin and 
spearing up an olive). Have one, Nancy ? 

Mary (making zvry face again over olive). What queer 
sort of pickles you have here in the city. I think I like the 
candy best. 

[Helps herself out of large box.) 

Eth. (aside to Mab., trying to suppress her tears). I never 
dreamed that country cousins could be so — so trying ! Aunt 
Anne had charming manners when she visited us. 

Mab. (aside, comfortifigly). Never mind, girlie. She isn't 
so very bad. And we are having a good time. 

Etf-f. (aside, wiping her eyes). Maybe you are having a 
good time, and she certainly seems to be enjoying herself 
(glancing at Mary, ivho is eating candy rapidly and shaking 
the box to bri7ig different kinds to light), but /';;/ not. lam 
thankful that a teacher did not come too. Mabel (solemnly), 
Ipromise me faithfully on your word of honor, never to tell ! 



THE MERRY WIDOW HAT II 

Mab. (aside, earnestly). Oh, I won't indeed, only do let 
her talk some more, Etlicl. I'm sure she was going to tell a 
very amusing story about ma and the cherries. 

Eth. (aside, beginning to weep again). Oh, Mabel, if you 
knew how it hurts when she says *'ma." If you could see 
Aunt Anne, so sweet and dignified and white-haired. I don't 
see how my mother's sister could have such a daughter ! 

Mary (looking up from candy box and pointing to a package 
still unopened). Say, girls, what's in there? (Shakes candy 
box again and looks over its cofitents.) I guess I've eat up all 
my favorites. (Lays box down on befich.) 

Eth. (ivearily, taking up package). It is a cake, but it 
will have to be cut before we can eat it, 

Mary. Oh, I don't know. Can't we break off hunks 
of it? 

Mab. (hastily, trying to keep back laughter). Let's go into 
the other waiting-room. There is a table in there and perhaps 
the matron will lend us a knife. {She rises.) 

Eth. (quickly, rising too). Yes, let's go. People won't 
stare so — I mean, there won't be so many people in there. 

Mary {amiably). All right, if you say so, but it's pretty 
comfortable here. (She stretches herself and rises. Eth. 
shudders. Mab. giggles.) Do you think the woman will let 
us eat in there? She told me awhile ago that it wasn't a 
restaurant. 

Mab. [seeing that Eth. is almost in tears and standing be- 
twee?i her and Mary). She won't mind, I'm sure. She's 
quite a friend to us schoolgirls. We often smuggle things in 
there to eat. We will give her a piece of the cake and she'll 
be all right. 

(Exeunt three girls, right side, carryifig packages, Mab. 
leading Mary by the arm and 'Eth. folloiving, iveeping.) 

Enter Mrs. S. and Nan., back. 

Mrs. S. (in distress). My dear child, however could I 
have made such a mistake? I owe you a thousand apologies ! 
What can I do to make it up to you ? 

Nan, (smiling). Oh, Mrs. Sims, please don't feel so badly 
about it. It was a very natural mistake. The coincidence of 
my coming from Spring Village explains it all. 

(Eth. and Mab, appear in door, r. They see Mrs, S. 
and Nan. and dodge back out of sight.) 



12 THE MERRY WIDOW HAT 

Mrs. S. But I don't understand about Ethel. You say 
you wrote her, asking her to meet you here ? 

Nan. Yes, and she answered saying that she would. 

Mrs. S. It's odd. She asked permission to go to the 
dentist this afternoon — and Mabel Garth went with her — but 
she said nothing about going to the station. 

{She puts hand to her forehead as if thinking deeply. Eth. 
and Mab. reappear in doorway agai?i.) 

Eth. {softly, aside to Mab.). Who is Mrs. Sims talking 
to ? I wish she would turn so that I could see her face. 

Mab. {softly, aside to Eth.). She looks like a pretty girl ; 
much more like I fancied your cousin would look. 

Eth. {softly, aside to Mab.). Mabel, I feel sure we have 
made a mistake. That girl in there {pointing over her shoulder') 
can't be my cousin ! I wonder 

Mab. (/;/ alarfn as Mrs. S. moves'). Look out, she'll see us ! 

(Eth. and Mab. disappear r. a$ Mrs. S. turns head.) 

Mrs. S. {to Nan.}. Please excuse me a moment, my dear. 
I'll telephone to the dentist. 

{Exit Mrs. S. into telephone booth. Mab. and Eth. re- 
appear in do or IV ay.) 

Eth. [aside). Mabel, do you know, I have an idea that 
that girl is Nancy. There is a family resemblance in the back 
of her head. I am going to speak to her. 

Mab. {in alarm). But not now! Mrs. Sims is in the 
telephone booth, and she will see you ! 

(Mab. and^jTB.. talk aside in doorway.) 

Nan. {soliloquizing). What can have become of Ethel, I 
wonder ? She surely got my letter because she answered it, 
and promised me a rattling good time. I suppose that is why 
she did not tell Mrs. Sims I was coming. And yet, in that 
case, how can I account for the part about the widow ? 
Certainly she meant Mrs. Sims — or some other teacher. 

{She takes letter out of her bag and opens it.) 

Eth. [excitedly, aside to Mab.). That's my letter ! 

{They watch and listen.) 



THE MERRY WIDOW HAT 1 3 

Nan. {reading). **I don't believe we shall have trouble 
recognizing each other, even if we have never met. I dare 
.say I'll know you from your likeness to Aunt Anne and as for 
me, well, you'll know me by the merry widow." (^Speaks.) 
There it is in black and white. I can't understand where 
Ethel can have gone. 

Reenter Mrs. S. frofn telepho7ie booth looking worried, Eth. 
and Mab, dodge out of sights r. 

Mrs. S. {anxiously). The dentist says that Ethel has not 
been there this afternoon. I am beginning to feel concerned 
about her. 

Nan. It is strange. I know she surely intended to come. 
You see she wrote me. {She holds out letter.) 

Mrs. S. What did she say ? {Starts to take letter.) 

Nan. {remembering and drawing back letter in confusion). 
Oh, she just says she will be here with a chaperon. 

Mrs. S. {in surprise). With a chaperon? And I was not 
consulted ! I am afraid I must insist upon seeing that letter. 

Nan. {in distress, yielding letter). Oh, Mrs. Sims, I am 
sure Elhel did not mean any disrespect to you ! 

Mrs. S. {readi?ig to herself, as Nan. speaks and the last 
phrase aloud). You will know me by the merry widow. 
{Laughs.) Oh, my dear child, is that what led you to think 
of a chaperon ? {Laughs heartily.) 

Nan. {su7prised and embarrassed). Why yes, Mrs. Sims. 

Mrs. S. {amused). Then I must explain. The term 
" merry widow " is a vulgar name for a fashionable hat of the 
day. Now we must find out what has become of Ethel. 

{They sit on bench and think, Mrs. S. studying Eth.'s 
letter. Eth. audWh^. reappear in doorway, r.) 

Eth. (in dismay; aside to Mab.). I heard my name. 
They are talking about me ! 

Mab. {cautiously; aside to Eth.). Mrs. Sims mustn't 
catch us now ! Come back, Ethel, while we think up a plan. 

{Pulls her sleeve.) 

{Exeunt Mab. ^t/z^Eth., r. side. Eth. reappears alojie and 
watches Mrs. S. and Nan.) 

Nan. Oh, Mrs. Sims, I have just had an idea. Perhaps 



14 THE MERRY WIDOW HAT 

Ethel has made the same mistake that you did, only the other 
way on. Perhaps she has mistaken Mary Ann Nickerson for me ! 

(^They both laugh.') 

Eth. {angrily, aside). Oh, they think it a laughing matter, 
do they ? I suppose Mrs. Sims will tell this joke to the whole 
school. \_Exit Eth. , angrily, r. 

Mrs. S. I am convinced that that is exactly what has oc- 
curred, and Ethel is no doubt giving her a "jolly good time" 
somewhere. 

Nan. Mary Ann got off the train quite a minute ahead of 
me and — I remember noticing it at the station at home — she 
carried her mother's bag, marked ''N. N." How can we find 
Ethel ? 

Mrs. S. (rising). We'll ask the gateman. He may be 
able to tell us in what direction they went. Come. 

[^Exeujit M.'R?,. S. andNAiS!., l. 

Enter Mab. ^//^Eth., r., Mab. trying to control her laughter ^ 
Eth. angry and distressed. 

Eth. What in the world shall we do, Mabel ? For good- 
ness' sake stop that silly giggling and suggest something ! 

Mab. ingoing off i?ito paroxysm, of langhte?'). " Ma and 
the canned peas ! " And oh, Ethel, if you could have seen 
your face when she asked you how she should go about finding 
a place ! 

Eth. (with dignity). Of course I knew then that she 
could not be my cousin. But (walking about restlessly and 
then stopping as she sees the supernumeraries stare curiously) 
the question is now, what shall we do ? 

Mab. (cheerfully). Bid her a fond adieu and skip back to 
the school as fast as ever we can. Oh, here she comes now ! 

Enter Mary, r. 

Mary (reproachfully). Say, girls, what's become of that 
good time you promised me? I've eat all the cake an' candy. 
Let's go out and see a moving picture show somewhere. 

(She starts to ejnbrace Eth., ivho draws back indignantly.) 

Eth. (coldly). Nancy — I mean — er — ah — well, we might 
as well tell you candidly that there has been a mistake 
made 



THE MERRY WIDOW HAT I5 

Mary (astojiished). A. mistake? What do you mean? 

Mab. a case of mistaken identity, you know. 

Mary (^puzzled and Iooki?i!^ at each in turn). A case of 
what ? Ma generally buys things by the case — for the board- 
ers. What is that thing you said ? Is it a vegetable or a 
breakfast food ? 

(Mab. goes off into a fit of laughter.) 

Eth. {a little crossly). She means that we have mistaken 
you for some one else. 

Mary (^surprised but amused). You and her (^pointing to 
Mab.) mistook me for some one else? Well! (^Laughs.) 
Now, whoever heard tell of that ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! You came 
here to meet somebody else — an' give 'em a 'good time — in- 
stead o' me? (Eth. nods.) An' all those good things was 
meant for somebody else ! Oh, for the land's sake ! 

(Mary gives way to wicontrollable laughter,) 

Mab. (aside to Eth.). Come on, now, Ethel, let's slip 
away, 

Eth. (aside to Mab.). But I want to see Nancy. 

Mab. (in alarm). But you can't ! She's with Mrs. Sims ! 

Mary (recovering her breath). Well, I had a good lunch 
anyhow, all except them sardine eggs. And (laugliing again) 
maybe they was intended for a joke. (Sentimentally.) An' 
here I was, thinking that you girls belonged to some of ma's 
grateful boarders an' had come here to help me make my way 
in a great city ! (Practically.) Say, don't either of your mns 
need a cook or a waitress or a chambermaid ? I'm real handy. 

Mab. (nervously^ pulling Eth. by the sleeve). No, no, I 
don't think so. We must go now. 

Eth. (haughtily). There are plenty of Intelligence Offices. 
Any policeman can direct you. 

Mary (hurt). Oh, indeed ? Aren't we getting hoity 
toity? Quite proud an' distant! (Mimics Eth.'s manner.) 
Any policeman can direct you. (Aside, strutting up and 
down.) The haughty Lady Imergene ! (To Eth., sarcas- 
tically.) Thank you, miss. An' maybe you'll give me a 
reference to take to the office, miss? 

Mrs. S. (entering unexpectedly, l., folloiced by Nan.). A 
reference? Ethel, how do you happen to be in a position to 
give servants references ? 



l6 THE MERRY WIDOW HAT 

Mab. {aside^ starting in dismay'). Mrs. Sims ! Now we 
are in for it ! 

Nan. {eagerly, advancing). Oh, Etliel, then you really did 
come, after all ! 

(Eth. a7id Nan. embrace and talk aside.) 

Mary {amused, to Mab.j. Is it her you thought was 
me? {^Laughs.) 

Mrs. S. {coldly, to Mab.). May I ask for some explanation 
of this affair ? 

(Mrs. S. atid Mab. talk aside, Mab. meek and deprecating, 
Mrs. S. stern, but turning away now and then to conceal 
a S7nile.) 

Mary {to Nan.). Oh, I say, Miss Noble, I got a joke on 
you, I have. These young ladies here mistook me for you. 
Oh, la ! An' I eat up all the cake an' candy they meant for 
you — after they'd played a sort of April fool joke on me first. 

Mrs. S. {coming forward, to Eth. and Mab.). Girls, 1 
think you have been punished enough for your folly — or stu- 
pidity 1 should prefer to call it. Firstly by putting yourselves 
in an embarrassing position, and secondly by missing a pleas- 
ant hour with a charming young companion. 

{She smiles at Nan.) 

Nan. (^pleased, but embarrassed by the compliment). Oh, 
thank you, Mrs. Sims. 

Mrs. S. May I point a little moral ? 

■p ^ ■ !■ Oh, please do, Mrs. Sims. We deserve worse ! 

Mab. {aside, to Eth.). And we'll get it, never fear, when 
we get back to school. 

Eth. {aside, to Mab., groaning). Writing out French verbs, 
and no dessert for a week, I suppose. 

Mrs. S. {quietly). My moral is double pointed. Never 
jump at conclusions and {holdifig out Eth.'s letter) do not use 
slang. 

(Eth. and Mab. look co?ifused, and consciously adjust their 
hats.) 

Mary {to Mrs. S.). Please, mem, don't you need a serv- 
ant ? I like your looks. 



THE MERRY WIDOW HAT 



17 

Mrs. S. {trying not to smile). I do, Mary Ann. That, in 
fact, was my errand here at the station. To meet you. (Eth. 
and Mab. stare at each other.) If you are willing to come I'll 
engage you and we can settle the business later. 

Mary {suspiciously, reniemberijig the caviar). I won't have 
to — to eat queer things, will I ? 

Mrs. S. {surprised). I hope not ! 

Mary. All right, then, I'll come. Miss Nancy, when you 
write to your ma, ask her to tell my ma how quickly I got 
suited. 

{Voice outside calls train.) 

Nan. My train ! I am so sorry ! Good-bye, Mrs. Sims. 
Thank you for your kindness. {Embraces Eth.) Oh, Ethel, 
I am so sorry and disappointed that we did not get our visit ! 

Mrs. S. Girls, it is a very old saying, but a very true 
one : — Honesty is the best policy ! 



CURTAIN 



NEW PLAYS. 



BOYS WILL BE GIRLS 

A Girlsterous Extra'baganza in One Ad, ' 
By SHERMAN F, JOHNSON, 

AUTHOlt OF " MATED BY JURY," ETC. 

Two male, twenty-four female characters, all played by men in the orininal 
perfonuance. Scenery, unimportant ; costumes, the more eccentric the better. 
An uproarious burlesque — a perfect carnival of extravagance — throwing com- 
mon sense to the winds, and " getting there" on a perfect whirlwind of humor- 
ous exaggeration. So far as it has any relation to any other piece, " Tlie 
Country School " isits next of kin, but there never was anything just like it, and 
never will be. The appended list of chiracters gives a hint as to its ytnre; 
story, it has none; just a steady flow of funny fines and grotesque humor in 
both situation and action. A humorous debauch warranted without a head- 
ache, even if it does give yon a sideache from laughter. 

PRICE J5 CENTS. 



CHARACTERS: 



Hiram Cheep, school committeeman. 

Knott Ixnitt, the janitor. 

Miss Take, a pretty schoolmarm. 

GussiE Gush, a giggling pupil. 

Susy Pkim, so ladylike. 

Fan Ball, a national game enthusiast. 

Wanta Know, who doesn^t. 

Sarah Scales, who has her own weigh. 

CoRDiE Wood, a dull pupil. 

Little Dot, at the foot of everything. 

Flossie Fresh, so 'pert. 

Still Worse, and getting no better. 

Lotta Nerve, and uses 'it. 



Anna Hkld, with stage aspirations. 

Lillian Russell, the girl baritone. 

Ima KiDD, and looks it. 

Topsy, a brunette. 

Anna Catherine, uHth more to come. 

Maudie INIUDD, well arounded. 

Hattie Hopp, a lively maiden. 

Etta Lott, always hungry. 

Goo Goo, the baby. 

Belle Tolles, a ringer. 

NoTSO Warm, so colh and distant. 

Lucy Lockit, ^ip on politics. 

Sallie Smiles, a cheerful girl. 



SYNOPSIS. 

Enter the merry school girls; gossip and giggles. Greeting to teacher. School 
is opened. "Good Morning, Merry Sunshine." Recitations, compositions and 
other exercises. The school committeeman's visit. Speech to the pupils. School 
"exbibition." Vocal solos. Recitation. Ending with a pretty and excitinc 
Fire Drill. o ^ j b 



The Two-Two Train 

A Vaudeville Sketch in One Ad* 
By HARRY L. NEWTON. 

One male, one female character. Costumes, eccentric ; scenery, not difficult; 
properties, numerous and important, but easily contrived, and not costlv. A 
very funny " hard luck " sketch for tramp and soubrette, full of good 'lines 
and laughable " business," and playing briskly for twenty minutes or so. Has 
been produced professionally, and its "finish" is said to have evoked perfect 
shrieks of laughter, as also did the " Iving machine" business. Strongly rec- 
ommended to performers who cannot do a specialty of some sort, but have to 
rely entirely on the strength of the sketch. 

PRICE J5 CENTS. 



LATEST PLAYS. 

The Old Maids' Convention. 

AN ENTERTAINMENT IN ONE SCENE. 
By LAURA M. PARS0N5. 

Author of " Jerusha Dew's Family Album," " The Disteict 
School at Blueberry Corners," Etc. 



One male, twenty female characters and specialties. Costumes eccen- 
tric; scenery unimportant; can be produced on a platform without any. 
This is an excellent version of a Avidely popular entertainment which has 
long existed in manuscript, but is now for the first time offered in print. 
It is practically for all female characters, since Prof. Pinkerton, its one 
man, may be represented by a lady, if desired. " Pinkerton's Electric 
Transform(h)er " is a marvelous invention, whatever the sex of its dis- 
coverer, and is capable of creating great amusement. This entertainment, 
of which it is a feature, is brightly and humorously written, and moves 
along briskly to a laughable conclusion. Lots of good characters and 
opportunity for specialties. A worthy successor to the popular " Prof. 
Baxter's Great Invention." Plays an hour and a half with specialties. 
Price, . . . . S5 Cents. 

SYNOPSIS. 

Scene.— The Old Maids' Matrimonial Club. The Club in executive 
session. Quotations. An unpopular sentiment. The Secretary's report. 
The report of the Treasurer. " Candy kisses." The Lookout Committee. 
" Widower Goodhope." A bachelor by the name of Rigby. " I don't care 
if he hasn't a dollar." A few suggestions toward the propagation of 
matrimony. The club in debate. A literary interlude. Prof. Pinkerton's 
advent. A scientific exposition. Testimonials. " Before using your 
Transform(h)er I was totally blind, and now I can see my finish." The 
great invention at work. '* Blonde or brunette ? " Old maids made new. 
A great success. A difficult case. Somewhat overdone. " The machine 
can make no mistake." A hard problem. " I want to be a man." The Pro- 
fessor phazed but not daunted. " Drink the stuff and pile in." An explosion 
— of laughter, 

POPPING BY PROXY. 

A FARCE IN ONE ACT, 
By O. E. YOUNG. 



Two male, four female characters. Scenery easy, costumes rustic. This 
is a very amusing, if somewhat athletic farce, suitable for the young and 
robust, and likely to be popular among people who rejoice in practical 
joking and high animal spirits. It is distinctly not a drawing-room play, 
but is full of good, broad, boisterous fun, and tells a very entertaining 
story. Plays forty-five minutes. 

Price, . . • . 15 Cents. 



Sent, postpaid, on receipt of price, by 

BAEER. 5 HAMILTON PLACE, BOSTON, MASS. 

/COPY, ne ro CAT c 

DEC i4 1909 






J # 



